


No One Insults Céline Dion and Gets Away Unscathed

by katiegangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chuck is a fanboy, Crack, Destiel - Freeform, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I love Celine Dion, M/M, Pre-Slash, Spoilers, Swearing, Truth Spells, season 14 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 04:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18613264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiegangel/pseuds/katiegangel
Summary: (Contains naughty language and descriptions of sexy times) Pretty much like the title says. Jack's truth spell puts everything out in the open. Dean pushes Sam too far. Cass is still oblivious to certain earth customs. I'm still mad at Chuck, but as the Season 14 finale made it clear he's kind of a fan boy, I went there.





	No One Insults Céline Dion and Gets Away Unscathed

**Author's Note:**

> So... Yeah, this all came about from a post on Twitter. Enjoy. P.S. I'm still mad at you Chuck.

“Hi. I’m Dean Winchester and I’m looking for the devil’s son. This badge is fake.”

On the whole, it’s an unnerving experience when something you have no intention of saying pops out of your mouth with the most casual air possible. It’s even more unnerving when that same something is a self-incriminating admission that you are, in fact, committing a felony by posing as a federal agent. The only saving grace seemed to be the fact that the receptionist was just as flabbergasted as Dean was and was clearly trying to figure out if this was, in fact, a prank. Forcing himself to keep a calm face, Dean chuckled and put his badge back in his coat pocket.

“Excuse me,” He smiled before walking briskly towards his brother, attempting to crush the panic starting to boil in his stomach. That hadn’t been a mistake or slip of the tongue. Both attempts at saying “I’m Special Agent Cobain and we need your technology to locate a dangerous fugitive” came out as the complete truth.

This was beyond bad. Lying was critical when it came to hunting. Going up to a victims family and saying “Hi, I’m the guy who’s gonna gut the son-of-a-bitch that ate the heart of your relative” didn’t have the same ring.

“Hey!” Dean reached for Sam, stopping him before the inevitable “dude, what the hell was that about” came out. “Let me ask you a question. Tell me who your favorite singer is.”

Half of Sam’s mind was already on the verge of pointing out that wasn’t so much a question as a statement, but his brother was already pulling him away. “Look I know you say it’s Elvis, but we both know that’s crap. So, tell me who your favorite singer is.”

Fine. Okay. Whatever, Sam would indulge in this pointless waste of time that could be spent finding Jack. He smiled.

“It’s like you said, it’s Céline Dion.”

Oh. Fuck, no. Okay, try again.

“I mean, Céline Dion!”

Sam would hear the blaring alert in his head. Half for the fact he couldn’t lie and half for the fact that absolutely, under no circumstances, would Dean EVER let this go.

“Dean, every time I try to say Elvis, it comes out as-“

“The sad, horrible truth. Yeah. And you know why? Cause we can’t lie.”

Sam jolted, “The hell do you mean “sad, horrible truth”?” What’s wrong with Céline Dion?”

Dean huffed. “You honestly love the woman who sang about a couple too stupid to realize there was more than enough room for two people on a door floating in the middle of the ocean?”

“Dude, one, she didn’t write Titanic. Two, she’s got a great voice. Maybe she isn’t “masculine” like Bruce Springsteen-“

“Oh, don’t even go there, dude, not even comparable. At least I have taste.” Dean brushed his brother off, almost missing the near-nuclear office break down happening to the right of them.

“Okay, you know what?” Sam snapped, throwing his hands up. “I’ve had it.”

“Had what?” Dean asked, looking away from watching as one guy body slammed another for eating his yogurt.

“This! This F-ed up attitude of yours!”

“F-ed? Seriously?” Dean stared at him.

“I don’t like swearing in public unless I absolutely have to!” Sam threw his hand over his mouth, but it was too late. Dean would have enough fuel to go after him until the end of days… or, at least, this year’s version of the end of days.

“Alright, whatever. But seriously, what attitude?!”

“You’ve been a complete a-hole since-“ Sam bit his tongue. He wasn’t gonna say it. It still hurt like hell and he was still pissed, but this wasn’t the time or place. “I’m just saying it’s not helping anything.”

“You’re pulling my feelings about mom in with Céline Dion?!” Dean huffed. “Okay, Mr. let’s-talk-about-our-feelings-in-a-time-of-crisis-“

“Dean!” Sam hissed warning.

“Go ahead, I’m listening! Anything else you wanna get in the open?” Dean threw his arms open mockingly. Sam snarled.

“Fine! What the hell is going on with you and Cass? You really still blame him for mom’s death?!”

“Oh, come on, Sam!”

“No! Answer it! I’m sick of this tension between you two! After everything we’ve been through, you now hate him?!”

“No!” Dean snapped back. “Sam, come on, you know I’m secretly repressing my feelings for the sake of keeping face and despite still exploring the idea of bisexuality, I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I do have some affection for him beyond brotherly love and have cried myself to sleep multiple times tryin’ to deal with it! I was so upset about mom’s death I put the blame on Cass because I hated myself for believing in Jack but I wanted Cass to admit it was his fault so I could have someone to blame for these crippling emotions!”

Aside from the all-out chaos around them consisting of cries of “I am the stapler queen” and “I just want to be loved,” the silence between the brothers was deafening. Dean swallowed.

“That didn’t come out as “it’s completed right now,” did it?”

“No. Actually, it did.”

“We’re not talking about this right now-“ Dean would have continued had a potted plant smashed near their feet and they quickly ducked into an empty conference room and slammed the door behind them.

“So, you’ve had feelings for Cass since-“ Sam started.

“Since he gripped me tight and raised me from Perdition, Sammy,” Dean all but roared in a tone for suited for the phrase “Shut the fuck up, Sam!”

Sam exhaled, staring at his brother like he could see the wall crumbling down. Sam had always had a good gut intuition and it had not failed him here. Yeah, it was clear this was Jack’s doing, bit Sam would be lying if he wasn’t just a little grateful for it.

“What’s with all the intense staring?” Sam asked.

“Repressed sexual tension that comes out in desire to assert myself as the alpha when I really want him riding me like a pony in nothing but a pair of chaps with his wings slapping my ass and Warrant’s Cherry Pie blasting in the background!” Dean’s cheeks went bright right. “Alright, asshole, how do you feel about Cass, eh?!”

“He’s attractive and I’d be interested if he asked me but my feelings have always fallen on the “friend and caretaker” side and I don’t know how he’d react to casual sex.”

Dean exhaled deeply. “Good, we can lie again.”

Sam shrugged. “Wasn’t a lie, I’m just more comfortable with my sexual orientation than you are.”

“I'm afraid it'll make me less masculine even though that fear has no foundation in reality and being bisexual has no impact on my ability to be a hunter!” Dean roared, once again in a tone more suited for the phrase “Fuck off, Sam” than anything else.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The last time Castiel had witnessed chaos like this, the 5th plague had just lightened up and the 6th one was starting. The whole room was a mess of screaming, fighting, tearing up papers and, for reasons Castiel could not comprehend, office supply theft. 

“See this is why people need to lie,” Chuck explained. “It… keeps the peace.”

Castiel rolled his eyes, walking quickly past the chaos until he heard the sound of two familiar voices behind one a door.

“Sam, Dean,” Castiel started as he opened the door, “I found Chu-“

“I enjoyed that kale salad you made last week!” Dean shouted at his brother. “And I know Terminator 2 makes me cry!”

“When you’re not home, I sometimes look at your Anime collection and wash your clothes cause I know you’ll forget!” Sam snapped back, looking up from the computer he was using to access the company’s facial recognition software. “And on occasion, I enjoy dabbling in fan fiction!”

“I know! I saw the bookmarks on your laptop!”

“Guys?”

Sam and Dean paused in their shouting match, their eyes landing on Cass and then on Chuck. Chuck blinked.

“If this is a bad time-“

“Where the hell have you been?!” Dean snapped, staring at Chuck and making every effort possible to not even look at Cass.

“Good!” Sam looked at Cass. “You’re here!” His attention back on his brother. “Go ahead and tell him!”

“Sam, no matter how many times you piss me off to no end, I will always love you!” Dean snarled.

“I feel exactly the same way!” Sam shouted back. “Now tell Cass the truth!”

Castiel’s looked between the two brothers, completely confused. “What truth?”

“I don’t really blame you for mom’s death or Jack, I blame myself because I felt I was too stupid to defeat Michael on my own and every time I look at you, I wanna rip that trench coat off your back, tie you to my bed and suck you dry!”

While the angel and hunter just stared at each other, Chuck leaned over to Sam. “Too much information?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, but I’m glad it’s in the open and I’m not just seeing things.”

Chuck cleared his throat and snapped his fingers, sending them back to the bunker instantaneously. 

“There you go.”

“You fixed it?” Dean asked, half of him still wanting to rip Chuck a new one for showing up out of the blue. 

Chuck nodded. “Tell a lie.”

“I don’t want to see Cass in leather chaps and I like Céline Dion…. Okay, we can lie again.”

Sam paused, looking from his brother to the angel and back again. Cass cleared his throat.

“Dean, what are-“

“I’ll tell you later,” Dean spoke to Cass before turning his attention back to Chuck. “Why are you here?”

Chuck looked at all of them. “Are we just not gonna talk about the fact that Dean just openly admitted his crush on my son and the fact that he wants to do the horizontal mambo with him?

“One,” Dean started. “I’m pissed off enough at you as it is. Two, you need to help us find Jack. Three, even if I did, don’t ever use the words “horizontal mambo” again!”

Chuck help up his hands. “Okay, fine. So sue me if I’m happy my ship finally became canon.”

 

End


End file.
